One train ride turned my life around.
Do you remember? How you broke me with words and took me to it, and didn’t look at me as it dragged me away from the one thing that made me feel safe?
This is neither blame, nor thanks – we both know how it went down.
But you were a catalyst, and I never thought I’d say it, but I am grateful for that.
That night was the pivot point of me.
Shaking the roots I had carelessly allowed to thread through the ground in all the wrong directions. Drawing them back to me and telling me to reset.
As the decision swept me away, I thought I saw birds circling overhead;
For inside they knew me to be dead.
But it was really someone else who died.
I was the one who survived.
I used to play my heart first, without learning the rules of the game.
I used to fold and go cold when I was done, and reach out to start it all again.
I had thrown myself through the world, and emerged love-ravaged and broken.
I had bounced from edge to edge
Clipping and chipping myself on each one presented to me.
Thinking edges were all I deserved,
Leaving my fragments in the dust. At the feet of those who never saw them lying there
And trampled them into the dirt.
Wrapped myself around people who played with my strings, as if my heart wasn’t on the end of them.
Always looking for what I thought I could only find in someone else,
Never thinking to check myself.
Something changed after that night.
Something turned me around.
A sound played in my head that said
If you hadn’t been the one to build me up, you could never have let me down.
A long lost secret was uncovered that night,
And it read
That if I could be the one to build myself up
No one could ever really let me down again.